Dancing provides a beautiful metaphor for our relationship with God and for what marriage could look like. I am going to use the discussion of dancing as a way to explain my vision of marital love.
There needs to be a leader and a follower, there is just no two ways about that. They are equal in dignity but different in roles. There cannot be two leaders, and there certainly cannot be two followers. A leader's job is not to dominate his follower, but to lead, invite, and guide her. And the follower is no wilting lily! A good follower is strong in her own feminine way and is a very active participant in shaping the dance and helping the man lead well.
The qualities in being a good leader are as follows: firm, gentle, confident, willingness and ability to listen to the follower, ability to hear and interpret the music, protecting the follower on the dance floor, helping his follower to feel and look beautiful, and willingness to grow and learn together with his partner. A good husband should also possess those qualities, with the additional quality of loving his wife. But let us not lose sight of the ultimate goal of dancing, which is to enjoy the gift of dancing with a beautiful partner to beautiful music. The hard work of making a marriage work is so we can fully enjoy the pleasure of the other person's company.
A leader's job is to lead firmly but gently. This does not mean manhandling the follower. To be a gentle leader requires confidence! He needs to have a solid frame but is not stiff, and he needs to know what he is going to do. It is hard to dance with a leader who has no frame (e.g. spaghetti arms) and who cannot decide if he is going to do a tuck turn or not. Likewise, a good husband is one that leads with confidence and joy. That confidence should be rooted in Jesus Christ and flows to the other parts of his life, such as his family life and his work.
To be a good leader requires active listening. He should be aware of where the follower is at in terms of her ability to dance, her overall comfort level with dancing, her mood and energy at that particular moment, and how she is responding to the lead. If the follower is not feeling very energetic at the moment, than a good leader adjusts to that. If the follower is not following a particular move that the leader had intended, it is up to him to find a way to either communicate the dance move in a different way or to transition to a different move. Likewise, a good husband needs to listen actively to his wife and to understand where she is at in a particular moment and discern how to best provide for her needs.
A good leader keeps time, dances to the music, and interprets the music. It is wonderful to dance to great music, but not so wonderful to dance off beat. Dancing is not just about learning lots of moves. While it is fun to do different spins and turns, they are only fun if they are done to the rhythm of the music. There is no stranger sensation than to dance a bunch of moves independent of the music. A good leader knows the importance and the simple joy of doing the basic steps well, and knows when to incorporate the turns and spins as the music moves them. A good leader can interpret the music well and is able to lead the follower through the crests and valleys of the music. There is a kind of melody and rhythm in our daily life as well. The composer of that music is God. A good husband is one that listens to the music attentively with the help of his wife.
A good leader protects the follower on the dance floor. He is mindful of where they are with respect to the overall dance floor and to the other couples. He knows how to navigate the floor and how to protect he and his follower's own dance space. A good husband knows how to protect his wife in the larger social context of life outside of the home, and how to protect the home so that it is a safe and nurturing environment for his wife and their children.
There needs to be a leader and a follower, there is just no two ways about that. They are equal in dignity but different in roles. There cannot be two leaders, and there certainly cannot be two followers. A leader's job is not to dominate his follower, but to lead, invite, and guide her. And the follower is no wilting lily! A good follower is strong in her own feminine way and is a very active participant in shaping the dance and helping the man lead well.
The qualities in being a good leader are as follows: firm, gentle, confident, willingness and ability to listen to the follower, ability to hear and interpret the music, protecting the follower on the dance floor, helping his follower to feel and look beautiful, and willingness to grow and learn together with his partner. A good husband should also possess those qualities, with the additional quality of loving his wife. But let us not lose sight of the ultimate goal of dancing, which is to enjoy the gift of dancing with a beautiful partner to beautiful music. The hard work of making a marriage work is so we can fully enjoy the pleasure of the other person's company.
A leader's job is to lead firmly but gently. This does not mean manhandling the follower. To be a gentle leader requires confidence! He needs to have a solid frame but is not stiff, and he needs to know what he is going to do. It is hard to dance with a leader who has no frame (e.g. spaghetti arms) and who cannot decide if he is going to do a tuck turn or not. Likewise, a good husband is one that leads with confidence and joy. That confidence should be rooted in Jesus Christ and flows to the other parts of his life, such as his family life and his work.
To be a good leader requires active listening. He should be aware of where the follower is at in terms of her ability to dance, her overall comfort level with dancing, her mood and energy at that particular moment, and how she is responding to the lead. If the follower is not feeling very energetic at the moment, than a good leader adjusts to that. If the follower is not following a particular move that the leader had intended, it is up to him to find a way to either communicate the dance move in a different way or to transition to a different move. Likewise, a good husband needs to listen actively to his wife and to understand where she is at in a particular moment and discern how to best provide for her needs.
A good leader keeps time, dances to the music, and interprets the music. It is wonderful to dance to great music, but not so wonderful to dance off beat. Dancing is not just about learning lots of moves. While it is fun to do different spins and turns, they are only fun if they are done to the rhythm of the music. There is no stranger sensation than to dance a bunch of moves independent of the music. A good leader knows the importance and the simple joy of doing the basic steps well, and knows when to incorporate the turns and spins as the music moves them. A good leader can interpret the music well and is able to lead the follower through the crests and valleys of the music. There is a kind of melody and rhythm in our daily life as well. The composer of that music is God. A good husband is one that listens to the music attentively with the help of his wife.
A good leader protects the follower on the dance floor. He is mindful of where they are with respect to the overall dance floor and to the other couples. He knows how to navigate the floor and how to protect he and his follower's own dance space. A good husband knows how to protect his wife in the larger social context of life outside of the home, and how to protect the home so that it is a safe and nurturing environment for his wife and their children.
A good leader understands that his job is to build up the follower to help her know and experience her beauty. This is not done in an ostentatious way, but in an authentic way. A good leader is in a way a hidden leader. There are moments in which he does shine, but she is the one that is doing the extensions and the turns and the spins. He is not a prop just hanging along for the ride. He provides the outer foundation of the dance and build up and direct the energy that is being generated by him and his follower. St. Joseph and Mother Mary's relationship is a good example of this. St. Joseph is a strong man, but he is also hidden and mysterious in the scriptures.
A good leader has the humility to know that there are always more ways to grow as a dancer, for both him and the woman. He will seek out other experienced couples and to learn from them. To that end, a husband should be the leader in seeking help from wise outside counsel, such as other married couples.
Ultimately, all those skills are to lead the couple into the joy of dancing together to the heavenly music composed by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Addendum
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I wrote the essay on dancing and marital love about two years ago while I was still single. I still stand by many of the observations, but if I were to re-write the essay today, my tone would be a little different. I would put less emphasis on what the leader needs to do, and more emphasis on what the leaders can experience. In the first approach, it feels like being a leader is just a whole lot of work. Who wants (just) that?
A good leader has the humility to know that there are always more ways to grow as a dancer, for both him and the woman. He will seek out other experienced couples and to learn from them. To that end, a husband should be the leader in seeking help from wise outside counsel, such as other married couples.
Ultimately, all those skills are to lead the couple into the joy of dancing together to the heavenly music composed by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Addendum
-----------------
I wrote the essay on dancing and marital love about two years ago while I was still single. I still stand by many of the observations, but if I were to re-write the essay today, my tone would be a little different. I would put less emphasis on what the leader needs to do, and more emphasis on what the leaders can experience. In the first approach, it feels like being a leader is just a whole lot of work. Who wants (just) that?
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